Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Asylum Secrets Entry #5!

Here's take two of the post tonight. I put it all together and when I went to publish it, blogger gave me an error. Fabulous. Anyway, lots of these are from February and lots are from today. I've created a facebook page today (search Asylum Secrets and like us! :D) and tons of people got re-interested in this blog. And I am so glad! Thank you all for your love and support! And PLEASE send things to the P.O. box! PLEASE?
Before blogger screwed me over with my first attempt at posting this I had a really nice intro for this entry about how much I love you all and how gorgeous and brave all you are and how if you ever need to talk to someone who you can confide in and who won't judge you DO NOT be afraid to contact ME personally. <3 But now I'm not going to word it all nice and pretty since I'm pissed off at blogger....

ANYWAY! They're all text secrets this time, enjoy! :)

1: "Since I was a little child, about 5 years old, I had thoughts to hurt myself or to kill
myself, I just didn't tell any soul. Since I didn't tell anyone. I've tried to kill myself
ever since and I don't feel any shame. I've tried drowning, cleaning chemicals,
poison, everything you can get as a little girl if you're creative. but no knifes or razor
for I was scared of the sight of blood until I first bleed (I'm agirl you know...). I was
not only once caught by my mother who I hadn't noticed until she shaked me
violently, trying to bring life into my cold and wet body as I was once again trying to
drown so she must have followed me as I never told anyone where I was going.
Even though my family and friends know this, they don't want to deal with it for they
think it's just a phase during puberty, though it is clearly not as it started when I was
5 years old. I'm running out of ideas as my body just doesn't want to leave and I
can't find anything that would kill it. I should be happy and do the things I'm
supposed to do with my 17 year old me, but I just can't. And I am not ashamed.
Should I be?"

2: "Once upon a time, a little girl was getting a lift to school.
At 7:43, a 42 tonne lorry drove into the side of the car.
After she finished frantically getting the airbag out of her face, she turned to see her mother.
She was facing the point of impact, with blood leaking and dripping into her eyes.
When she called she got no reply. It was like in a horror movie, when you call someones
name and their lifeless face flops towards yours.
After screaming, escaping the car, being caught in teh midst of phone calls, police, ambulences
(and even the fire sevice) she found out her mother was infact, still alive.
What she'll never let anyone know was that she saw everything. What she'll never let anyone know
is that she still has flashblacks after 3 years."

3: ""I want you to not be afraid of anything
because I'll protect you from any serious harm,
so don't sweat the little things."
You'll never know how much those words have helped me."

4: "I've lived my entire life cowering under the shadow of those who have hurt me the most: my mother because of her years of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. My "best friend" from elementary school...she will never realize how much she ruined my self confidence and self esteem. I will deny this to everyone but since this is anonymous I will type it out: they are the reason I hate myself. They are the reason I because suicidal at an early age, they showed me hate and apathy. They made me age beyond my years, and that is truly irrevocable. They made me outcasts. They kept me friendless."

5: "1. I am a horrible person, I pretend to be friends with people that I actually cannot stand, and I know that this is such a mean thing but the thing is, I am terrified of being alone.
2. I need my ex back, seriously need, I completely ruined things with her because I am frightened to get to close to people, because it hurts more when they leave you, I am such am idiot and I am also scared to talk to her just in case I make her hate me.
3. I know that everyone will leave me in the end & I am just a burden on them.
4. I cut myself just to see myself bleed.
5. I want to die so much sometimes, I tried clearly failed.
6. I pray every night to the Goddess that by some miracle I will wake up and be okay again."

6: "I'm becoming increasingly depressed because i can't find a job as a result of my own stupidity. I will admit it, i fucked up at the last one and it's now seriously costing me. i've been denyed unemployment as a result so i guess my next step is to go try to get welfare as i continue to search. i really am starting to hate myself as a result of this."

7: "I broke your heart and pretended I didn't care. But every time you called me a whore, I died a little on the inside. You hate me right now as much as I want you back, even though our relationship wasn't good for me. I ended up falling in love with a man who could never make me happy.
All those cruel words you said were true, and at the time I finally stood up and didn't put up with any of your shit, but now I hurt again, and miss you so, but You hate me more than anyone you've ever come across. I wish I gave up on you three weeks ago, when you dumped me because I was disappointed you didn't get me anything for Valentine's day. That right there should've been an indicator of how this would turn out, but I ignored it, and everyone's advice, and pursued you again - and here I am, hurting because of you all over again.

I see now how we were never meant to work out, but by god do I wish it had. I want you so badly, and I don't understand why.
I'm sinking back into my depression again, all because I wanted you. I'm sorry. Sorry it ended this way. Sorry you'll never believe a word I say, so I gave up trying to explain - which only made you madder. I gave up on putting effort to change your opinion of me and show integrity to you because nothing I could've done would change your mind, you'd still call me a whore - which only made you hate me more. So instead I stood up and fought back with sarcasm, so that I wouldn't hurt so much - but now I do, I hurt more than ever.

The Emilie Autumn song "If you feel better" perfectly fits my situation; you can hate me all you want if it makes you feel better, and I'll try and do what makes me feel better.

I miss you, I want you, and yes, I did actually fall in love with you.

((And no, I didn't cheat, he actually doesn't really have a valid reason to call me a whore. He's just insecure and doesn't believe what I say - which is I wouldn't have cheated if we got back together. I wouldn't have given up on him, I wanted to be with him so much. I tried to move on and planned something with someone else, but you, you thought I only wanted him when in fact it was always you))"

8: "I just tried to justify my desire for suicide with the fact that deaths in families always bring them closer together. I'm just another step closer to actually doing it...."

9: "I don't like to make friends because every friend I have ever made has been lost by introducing them to each other and then becoming the third wheel. This is why I only have two friends, and one hates the other and would never be friends with them. I desperately want more friends"

10: "All my childhood, the thing I was best at was school. That was the only thing I was truly good at. But that started to fade. Then I met a guy. He made me feel wonderful, until I realized I was nothing but a sex object to him. Because of him, and several others after him, I felt all I was good for was sex. And then my body image issues began. Now that I'm not beautiful or hot or sexy enough, what am I good for anymore?"

11: "My worst fear is that I’ll die alone. I’ve been hurt so many times now, that I truly believe that I was meant to. My first relationship lasted for three years, and my boyfriend put me through the worst sexual and psychological abuse I have ever dreamed of, and it has affected how I function in relationships to this day. I have severe issues with self loathing and suffer from frequent manic-depressive mood swings; I have dealt with this for the past five years. I have attempted suicide twice (both by swallowing copious amounts of pain killers) and I still can’t decide whether or not I’m happy it didn’t work. My friends tell me I’m beautiful and smart, but I’ve never been able to measure up to anyone’s standards, and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve been cheated on by a hefty majority of my boyfriends, and now only date significantly older men in hopes that they won’t be so stupid and cruel. I’m hoping the third time is the charm <3 I also fall way too easily for people, even though I know it’s unlikely that my extreme, almost obsessive, devotion will ever be returned. Within the past year I have started binge drinking, and doing drugs to temporarily escape my problems, even though it hurts worse the more looped I get. One night my best friend came over to help me calm down during one of these episodes, and it got bad enough that I dislocated two of his toes and bit him hard enough to draw blood so that I could jump into the pool, knowing I was too drunk to resurface. Obviously he saved me, and I still cry every night because of what I did to him. My parents don’t know about that incident, or the other times I tried to kill myself, and I’m probably going to keep it that way for the rest of my life. They know about the mood swings and the paranoia, but they sweep it under the rug and say that I’m just doing it for attention, or so I can be more like Emilie. What they don’t realize is that I’m doing this – talking about this, because I crave help and support from the people who are coming from similar places; from people I may not know, but love anyway for their courage and strength and beauty. I admire you all for your capacity for love and the support and care you give others, despite your own scars. I hope that someday I am strong enough to do the same. I could write much more, but I don’t want to turn this thing into a horrid, disturbing memoir that might just lead me to make attempt number four. I just want you to know that I love you."

12: "I'm torn between continuing to take my medication and not. Because taking it makes me feel bland but I can't be around people without wanting to run away if I don't. I can never finish my story because I won't have the emotions necessary to. Like make me feel what the characters are going through which is how I've been doing so good, you know? I'm thinking of stopping on my own for a bit and writing as much as I can of it."

13: "I love that many of call EA Mistress... I wonder how many of us are truly into BDSM though. I am a submissive myself..."

14: "I kind of want to be put in a psych ward. Ever since I read the Asylum book I have been morbidly curious about it. I want to know if it will make me more insane than I am now."

15: "I despise my mum's boyfriend. I've probably always disliked him and blamed him for my beloved dad moving away, but I'm old enough now to despise him, and have good, solid reasons for it-such as the constant bickering and arguing. My mum isn't blameless-she gets too touchy in these arguments-but it's always his fault. I won't ever say anything to mum. She loves him, though god only knows why, and I would never do anything to hurt her, but I want him gone. Now."

16: "I can feel myself getting more and more attached to my friend (with benefits). I'm falling for him, even though we've discussed his inability to have a relationship right now. Honestly, I'm not in the best place to have one either so I tried to reason with myself that it was better this way. I keep sleeping with him because I like being around him and because I just can't stop. I don't know how to stop, but I'm hurting myself by keeping it going. As I'm writing this I can feel myself knowing that it won't be over for awhile. This feels both good (because I can't give it up yet) but in the back of my head I know I'm just doing more damage to myself. I can only continue to hope that once it does end I'll be ready for it, or that he'll finally realize something and want more than just sex or friendship from me."

17: "1-I cried at Toy Story 3. Repeatedly.
2-I'm deathly scared of Pinnochio.
3-I've got typrophobia-a fear of clusters of holes.
4-I am obsessed with Star Wars-particularly the Mandalorian culture. You know, Jango and Boba Fett? Their culture. I even speak the language for crying out loud."

18: "I only ever have crushes on fictional characters. Not the actors who play them (if applicable), only the characters. And each and every one of them has a sob story in their past somewhere, and is often an arrogant asshole. I don't see the problem with this ;)"

19: "I'm your booty call and you're my rebound, why are we okay with this?"

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