Here's take two of the post tonight. I put it all together and when I went to publish it, blogger gave me an error. Fabulous. Anyway, lots of these are from February and lots are from today. I've created a facebook page today (search Asylum Secrets and like us! :D) and tons of people got re-interested in this blog. And I am so glad! Thank you all for your love and support! And PLEASE send things to the P.O. box! PLEASE?
Before blogger screwed me over with my first attempt at posting this I had a really nice intro for this entry about how much I love you all and how gorgeous and brave all you are and how if you ever need to talk to someone who you can confide in and who won't judge you DO NOT be afraid to contact ME personally. <3 But now I'm not going to word it all nice and pretty since I'm pissed off at blogger....
ANYWAY! They're all text secrets this time, enjoy! :)
1: "Since I was a little child, about 5 years old, I had thoughts to hurt myself or to kill
myself, I just didn't tell any soul. Since I didn't tell anyone. I've tried to kill myself
ever since and I don't feel any shame. I've tried drowning, cleaning chemicals,
poison, everything you can get as a little girl if you're creative. but no knifes or razor
for I was scared of the sight of blood until I first bleed (I'm agirl you know...). I was
not only once caught by my mother who I hadn't noticed until she shaked me
violently, trying to bring life into my cold and wet body as I was once again trying to
drown so she must have followed me as I never told anyone where I was going.
Even though my family and friends know this, they don't want to deal with it for they
think it's just a phase during puberty, though it is clearly not as it started when I was
5 years old. I'm running out of ideas as my body just doesn't want to leave and I
can't find anything that would kill it. I should be happy and do the things I'm
supposed to do with my 17 year old me, but I just can't. And I am not ashamed.
Should I be?"
2: "Once upon a time, a little girl was getting a lift to school.
At 7:43, a 42 tonne lorry drove into the side of the car.
After she finished frantically getting the airbag out of her face, she turned to see her mother.
She was facing the point of impact, with blood leaking and dripping into her eyes.
When she called she got no reply. It was like in a horror movie, when you call someones
name and their lifeless face flops towards yours.
After screaming, escaping the car, being caught in teh midst of phone calls, police, ambulences
(and even the fire sevice) she found out her mother was infact, still alive.
What she'll never let anyone know was that she saw everything. What she'll never let anyone know
is that she still has flashblacks after 3 years."
3: ""I want you to not be afraid of anything
because I'll protect you from any serious harm,
so don't sweat the little things."
You'll never know how much those words have helped me."
4: "I've lived my entire life cowering under the shadow of those who have hurt me the most: my mother because of her years of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. My "best friend" from elementary school...she will never realize how much she ruined my self confidence and self esteem. I will deny this to everyone but since this is anonymous I will type it out: they are the reason I hate myself. They are the reason I because suicidal at an early age, they showed me hate and apathy. They made me age beyond my years, and that is truly irrevocable. They made me outcasts. They kept me friendless."
5: "1. I am a horrible person, I pretend to be friends with people that I actually cannot stand, and I know that this is such a mean thing but the thing is, I am terrified of being alone.
2. I need my ex back, seriously need, I completely ruined things with her because I am frightened to get to close to people, because it hurts more when they leave you, I am such am idiot and I am also scared to talk to her just in case I make her hate me.
3. I know that everyone will leave me in the end & I am just a burden on them.
4. I cut myself just to see myself bleed.
5. I want to die so much sometimes, I tried once...it clearly failed.
6. I pray every night to the Goddess that by some miracle I will wake up and be okay again."
6: "I'm becoming increasingly depressed because i can't find a job as a result of my own stupidity. I will admit it, i fucked up at the last one and it's now seriously costing me. i've been denyed unemployment as a result so i guess my next step is to go try to get welfare as i continue to search. i really am starting to hate myself as a result of this."
7: "I broke your heart and pretended I didn't care. But every time you called me a whore, I died a little on the inside. You hate me right now as much as I want you back, even though our relationship wasn't good for me. I ended up falling in love with a man who could never make me happy.
All those cruel words you said were true, and at the time I finally stood up and didn't put up with any of your shit, but now I hurt again, and miss you so, but now...now You hate me more than anyone you've ever come across. I wish I gave up on you three weeks ago, when you dumped me because I was disappointed you didn't get me anything for Valentine's day. That right there should've been an indicator of how this would turn out, but I ignored it, and everyone's advice, and pursued you again - and here I am, hurting because of you all over again.
I see now how we were never meant to work out, but by god do I wish it had. I want you so badly, and I don't understand why.
I'm sinking back into my depression again, all because I wanted you. I'm sorry. Sorry it ended this way. Sorry you'll never believe a word I say, so I gave up trying to explain - which only made you madder. I gave up on putting effort to change your opinion of me and show integrity to you because nothing I could've done would change your mind, you'd still call me a whore - which only made you hate me more. So instead I stood up and fought back with sarcasm, so that I wouldn't hurt so much - but now I do, I hurt more than ever.
The Emilie Autumn song "If you feel better" perfectly fits my situation; you can hate me all you want if it makes you feel better, and I'll try and do what makes me feel better.
I miss you, I want you, and yes, I did actually fall in love with you.
((And no, I didn't cheat, he actually doesn't really have a valid reason to call me a whore. He's just insecure and doesn't believe what I say - which is I wouldn't have cheated if we got back together. I wouldn't have given up on him, I wanted to be with him so much. I tried to move on and planned something with someone else, but you, you thought I only wanted him when in fact it was always you))"
8: "I just tried to justify my desire for suicide with the fact that deaths in families always bring them closer together. I'm just another step closer to actually doing it...."
9: "I don't like to make friends because every friend I have ever made has been lost by introducing them to each other and then becoming the third wheel. This is why I only have two friends, and one hates the other and would never be friends with them. I desperately want more friends"
10: "All my childhood, the thing I was best at was school. That was the only thing I was truly good at. But that started to fade. Then I met a guy. He made me feel wonderful, until I realized I was nothing but a sex object to him. Because of him, and several others after him, I felt all I was good for was sex. And then my body image issues began. Now that I'm not beautiful or hot or sexy enough, what am I good for anymore?"
11: "My worst fear is that I’ll die alone. I’ve been hurt so many times now, that I truly believe that I was meant to. My first relationship lasted for three years, and my boyfriend put me through the worst sexual and psychological abuse I have ever dreamed of, and it has affected how I function in relationships to this day. I have severe issues with self loathing and suffer from frequent manic-depressive mood swings; I have dealt with this for the past five years. I have attempted suicide twice (both by swallowing copious amounts of pain killers) and I still can’t decide whether or not I’m happy it didn’t work. My friends tell me I’m beautiful and smart, but I’ve never been able to measure up to anyone’s standards, and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve been cheated on by a hefty majority of my boyfriends, and now only date significantly older men in hopes that they won’t be so stupid and cruel. I’m hoping the third time is the charm <3 I also fall way too easily for people, even though I know it’s unlikely that my extreme, almost obsessive, devotion will ever be returned. Within the past year I have started binge drinking, and doing drugs to temporarily escape my problems, even though it hurts worse the more looped I get. One night my best friend came over to help me calm down during one of these episodes, and it got bad enough that I dislocated two of his toes and bit him hard enough to draw blood so that I could jump into the pool, knowing I was too drunk to resurface. Obviously he saved me, and I still cry every night because of what I did to him. My parents don’t know about that incident, or the other times I tried to kill myself, and I’m probably going to keep it that way for the rest of my life. They know about the mood swings and the paranoia, but they sweep it under the rug and say that I’m just doing it for attention, or so I can be more like Emilie. What they don’t realize is that I’m doing this – talking about this, because I crave help and support from the people who are coming from similar places; from people I may not know, but love anyway for their courage and strength and beauty. I admire you all for your capacity for love and the support and care you give others, despite your own scars. I hope that someday I am strong enough to do the same. I could write much more, but I don’t want to turn this thing into a horrid, disturbing memoir that might just lead me to make attempt number four. I just want you to know that I love you."
12: "I'm torn between continuing to take my medication and not. Because taking it makes me feel bland but I can't be around people without wanting to run away if I don't. I can never finish my story because I won't have the emotions necessary to. Like make me feel what the characters are going through which is how I've been doing so good, you know? I'm thinking of stopping on my own for a bit and writing as much as I can of it."
13: "I love that many of call EA Mistress... I wonder how many of us are truly into BDSM though. I am a submissive myself..."
14: "I kind of want to be put in a psych ward. Ever since I read the Asylum book I have been morbidly curious about it. I want to know if it will make me more insane than I am now."
15: "I despise my mum's boyfriend. I've probably always disliked him and blamed him for my beloved dad moving away, but I'm old enough now to despise him, and have good, solid reasons for it-such as the constant bickering and arguing. My mum isn't blameless-she gets too touchy in these arguments-but it's always his fault. I won't ever say anything to mum. She loves him, though god only knows why, and I would never do anything to hurt her, but I want him gone. Now."
16: "I can feel myself getting more and more attached to my friend (with benefits). I'm falling for him, even though we've discussed his inability to have a relationship right now. Honestly, I'm not in the best place to have one either so I tried to reason with myself that it was better this way. I keep sleeping with him because I like being around him and because I just can't stop. I don't know how to stop, but I'm hurting myself by keeping it going. As I'm writing this I can feel myself knowing that it won't be over for awhile. This feels both good (because I can't give it up yet) but in the back of my head I know I'm just doing more damage to myself. I can only continue to hope that once it does end I'll be ready for it, or that he'll finally realize something and want more than just sex or friendship from me."
17: "1-I cried at Toy Story 3. Repeatedly.
2-I'm deathly scared of Pinnochio.
3-I've got typrophobia-a fear of clusters of holes.
4-I am obsessed with Star Wars-particularly the Mandalorian culture. You know, Jango and Boba Fett? Their culture. I even speak the language for crying out loud."
18: "I only ever have crushes on fictional characters. Not the actors who play them (if applicable), only the characters. And each and every one of them has a sob story in their past somewhere, and is often an arrogant asshole. I don't see the problem with this ;)"
19: "I'm your booty call and you're my rebound, why are we okay with this?"
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Friday, 12 February 2010
Asylum Secrets Entry #4!
I'm so sorry for the delay of this post! School has been consuming all my time! But I have a four day weekend! EA currently has Tracheolaryngitis so lets spread the plague and send her healing thoughts!!And if you haven't...please please PLEASE send in your secrets to P.O. Box 47 West Sacramento, CA 95605-0047! I haven't checked it in a week, but last time it was EMPTY!!! ):
I want to thank all of you who have sent anything to the email (or p.o. box) <3
TEXT SECRETS!! <3
AsylumSecret #1: I am 20, and I do nothing.Sometimes I think that one day soon I'll just become nothing.People shed 40,000 skin cells every second apparently - this will be my only mark left on the world. I want to die. Please.
AsylumSecret #2: All of my friends are my boyfriend's friends. I either met them because of him, or we met them together. I have absolutely no friends that are just my friends. So, when he decides to have a guy's night out with his friends or whatever.. I'm stuck at home.
AsylumSecret #3: 1:You still breathe and your heart still beats. But when you left, you died, and i buried your memories long ago. Only now your memory walks about my own house and lives in my own bedroom reminding me of you every waking moment...I only fear that ill end up leaving and "kiling" him too.
2:I know i need help, but im too scared to get it. fear of what it would spoil, my already fragile family, the hard work i put into schooling, the charade ive been living
3: I let you go because I didnt love youwere good friends still, and im grateful for that youve found happiness with someone else and yet in the back of my head i know theres a part of me that wants you back
4:my biggest fear is being alone. yet im constantly pushing people away. I feel like i dont exist half the time and the times when i do im being degraded or blamed for something. I hate everyting about my life, yet fear changing anything about it...
5:I don't see myself happy in the future,i see a mental breakdown leading to the worst.
6: Im only genuinely happy around her... or when im drunk. She loved me, and i left it too late... i wish i could have said something sooner.
7: im actually looking forward to 5
8: I keep hallucinating shadows and flashes of light, my friends find it funny when i randomly scream, but i am guenuinly terrified... though ill always laugh it off.
9: I'll never take medication... i would rather get better myself than have someone quote a textbook at me then make me consume an anomynous powder/ liquid...at least i know whats happening isnt a side effect.
AsylumSecret #4: I manipulate people. Nothing too big. Just little things that mess with their minds.I hate the attention it gets me, but I can't seem to stop. The worst part is, the people I do it to are the ones I love the most in my life. What's wrong with me?
AsylumSecret #5: I'm afraid to change. I'm scared of what I'll become afterward. I've been this way, this depressed, this messed up for so long that I don't want to change. I don't want to be normal and lose an ounce of who I am, even if who I am constantly imagines my own death. The me that doesn't remember a time when I truly felt happy, the me that doesn't have any friends and feels no self worth. Sometimes I don't want to change, I'd much rather be dead.
AsylumSecret #6: Dearest AsylumSecrets,I have a lot that I would like to get off of my chest, so please bear with me. This is not going to be easy, as many of the things I am about to tell you I have been unable to tell even my counselor or best friend.- I feel like I lack a reason to live and that scares and depresses me- I fear intimacy. I've never even been kissed, and I'm terrified of even THAT. I've considered finding a somewhat random guy to have sex with, just to try to get over my fear, but I can't allow myself to do that. And because of this fear of intimacy, I only let myself feel attracted people who are "safe" and would never return my feelings, like someone much older than me or someone in a position of authority. It hurts...because sometimes those feelings are still real.- I crave affection, attention, and acceptance from males...especially from teachers and professors.- Some days I think I truly hate my father...other days, I don't.- I get really off-the-wall paranoid thoughts from time to time. Sometimes I think that someone is watching me...even in my room. Some days I just get this awful feeling that I'm going to die that day. When those feelings get bad enough, I write notes to everyone...just in case. There are still a couple of them hidden in my room.- I think truly terrible thoughts sometimes...they just pop into my head before I can stop them. Even though I can't control them, I feel so guilty for having them. And I never really mean them. I don't know why I think these, other than to drive myself insane. (It works.)- I hate having morals. I hate that I feel guilty for every damn thing I do. Sometimes I just want to do something violent or rob a bank or SOMETHING...- I don't know what my sexuality really is. I've questioned myself and felt so many different things that I just don't know anymore. And I'm afraid that not being heterosexual would affect my future career (because it has for other people before -- especially where I'm from) and I hate that I feel this way. I hate that it matters.- I feel like I'm losing my passion for the subject I have loved dearly for years. It kills me. I think it's fear that's causing this. Fear of failure. If I lose that passion and choose something easier, at least I didn't fail, right? At least I didn't flunk out...at least I can claim that I lost interest....
Until next time...
AsylumSecret #7: I am not only contemplating running away, as I am also contemplation suicide, burning my fucking house to the ground, or maybe going to a convent even though I'm not religious at all. I feel I'm a prisoner in my own "home" (I can't call it a home, not my home, no). I have no where to go. I can't go live with any family without leaving behind my boyfriend, who's basically the only thing I have left, but even that is fading away from my mind because I'm too busy thinking about how I might take my own life. And if he fade away from my mind, it is over for me. I shake as I write this, but I'm that desperate. I'm even considering begging for money in the internet and where ever I can, and I'm not even poor. Or my family isn't, but I can't be around then anymore, not after so many years of the same fucking abuse. Not to mention the abuse I suffered by the hands of 3 different people, who molested me when I was 7, 11, and 12 years old. One older boy, one older man, and one older woman. And also my fucking asshole of an ex-boyfriend who still plagues my mind after 3 or 4 years. I was fucking 13, he was 18! And he knows what he did to me, or what he almost did to me. And he knows how he made me feel, and for what reasons. But since this is anonymous anyway. He tried to force me to have sex, something I felt I wasn't really for, I was too young and I hadn't gotten over what had happened to me. I still haven't and I'll never will. How upon telling me what people had done to be he replied "at least you weren't raped". I truly feel sad for other people's problems, those who know me know I care, sometimes too much, but my problems are my problems! And then, when I had enough of his non-supporting and abusive nature and I tried to leave him, he told me he would die. And I thought maybe he will change, everyone deserves a second chance. Guess what? Big mistake. When I finally left him for good, he stalked me and my friends, trying to win me back with his shit poetry (guess what, Em was right). And this plan of his failed, he told all my friend that I was crazy and that I should be locked up, and that I'd rather fuck a dog than fucking him. All the while, I almost stopped eating because I was really depressed (at 14/15 years old), and my mom sent me to the doctor, who prescribed me sleeping pills and a free (or not) trip to the pedopsychologist from his office. She was pregnant and asked me to fill out a form, which basically asked some questions resembling and IQ test and a personality assessment of sorts. Then she told my mom how special and intelligent and sensible I was, and how she should be so proud. On my SECOND appointment with her, which was one or two months after the first one, she had already have the baby, and, without sitting down, asked me only one question: "Do you think I'm fat?!". She almost looked angry. Now come on. I'm a skinny girl, I always have been, and yes I was very bellow my ideal weight because I couldn't eat. I have trouble telling who's fat or not. I'd say an obese is fat and a 500kg man is obese, if you know what I mean. I told her "no", I wasn't trying to be nice, I was honest. She wasn't fat. She looked lovely. Then she flips and shouts at me: "Your vision is blurred, you need to eat, you are like so many girls I've seen here, (you fucking anorexic bitch who might husband would probably choose over me), I'm going to lock you up far away from your home and everyone and everything you love, force-feed you if I need, AND YOU WILL DIE." Not "or". She said "WILL". I was crying by then, and I didn't defend myself. I'm not stupid, I know that if I was anorexic I would deny it on the spot, just like I would, would she'd asked me if I was suicidal. I know I would have to be examined by different doctors before she could send me to some mental hospital. Those different doctors, on a state hospital, some couldn't care less, and my therapist here, her contract was expiring the following month. Still I was weighted, my boned where measured, my teeth were seen more than 7 times by 4 different doctors, and my period and such other lady bits were investigated upon. The real problem was left untreated, and get this, the irony, like Em, this only made me feel more suicidal. But I was finally classified as NOT anorexic, just sad. Because I didn't talk about my problem, would you? I haven't been able to be completely honest to any of my 4 following shrinks. Oh and it wasn't really easy at home either. My father was pressuring me to choose medicine or something, or NOT to choose arts, which I did!And the cherry on top of the cake? Having to hear from my so called friends how I'm making all this up so I can look like EA. WTF! Seriously, you could have just stabbed me on the back. I'm sorry, I'm ranting. And this was too much. But I resent these people. And I'm falling apart
AsylumSecret #8: I hate my best friend, And I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend...
AsylumSecret #9: After years of abuse by my mom's numerous boyfriends, and eventual rape by my step-dad I attempted suicide (I was only 12 - cut to the wrists). The only reason it didn't work is I feared my little sisters growing up through the same things without anyone to believe in and run to. Thankfully, my stepsister was home and able to save me. My little sisters are the only thing that keeps me going day to day, and I fear my life won't be worth living when they're finally out of my mom's house.
AsylumSecret #10: I started cutting when I was 10 years old, but I do not like the attention that comes with the scars...yet I still cut on my arms. My mom found out when I was a sophomore in high school, and flipped out telling me I was not her daughter and did not talk to me for a month. She even blamed my best friend. Ever since then I wear hoodies almost all the time because I'm afraid people wouldn't love me if they found out. The sad thing is, if I run out of room on the upper part of my arms, and go too close to my wrists I freak out afraid I'm going to cut too deep... This does not stop me from cutting there, but it does cause me to stress and cut at my right ankle until my wrist stops bleeding. I cannot sleep with a fresh cut because I'm afraid I will die in my sleep, and that is the opposite of the reason I'm cutting in the first place. I need a reminder that I am alive. Ha, and I'm almost 21. I'm supposed to be an adult, right?
AsylumSecret #11: Every night I go to bed, and offer up prayers to Goddess' whom I gave up believing in so long ago. I always pray that she will one day look at me long enough to see past the broken bits, long enough to delve under the fake smile, long enough to realise how desperately I clutch at sanity. I always pray that one day she will see me, walk up to me, and just hold me without wanting to say a word.I've started offering up a small amount of my blood mixed with wine every night. It's making me feel like crap; But if the only way to be connected to her is to be miserable, then I will take the misery with a spoonful of insanity.
AsylumSecret #12: Mental illness runs in my family. My mother goes to a therapist but has no illness. I've asked my parents multiple times to see a psychoanalyst to see what the fuck is wrong with me and they refuse. Even though they know that I've attempted suicide multiple times before.
My brother tried to rape me while I was asleep when we were twelve. He doesn't know I know.
I think I have bi-polar disorder.
I shove so much stuff under my bed so that I can guarantee that nothing else can fit under it because I'm afraid someone will hide under there and kill me.
I look around the room every few seconds, even when I'm completely alone, because I'm afraid someone is there, watching me.
I imagine killing people I both love and hate, and killing myself multiple times during the day, especially if I'm next to something harmful like a skillet or a knife.
I'm attracted to both men and women but I don't want to have a relationship with a woman. I want a man to hold me when things get rough, but I want to have at least one sexual experience with another woman.
I cry for no reason at all sometimes.
I've had both manic and depressive moods since I was three years old.
From the time I was nine to the time I was twelve, I was in a deep depression. My parents say that I'm lying. I'm not.
My mother has a bachelors in Sociology. She tries to be my psychologist and uses psychobabble on me every chance she gets, even when nothing is wrong, she pushes me. Even when something is wrong, I don't say anything because I don't want to talk to her. I'd rather talk to a complete stranger that her.
PICTURES!!! <3
I want to thank all of you who have sent anything to the email (or p.o. box) <3
TEXT SECRETS!! <3
AsylumSecret #1: I am 20, and I do nothing.Sometimes I think that one day soon I'll just become nothing.People shed 40,000 skin cells every second apparently - this will be my only mark left on the world. I want to die. Please.
AsylumSecret #2: All of my friends are my boyfriend's friends. I either met them because of him, or we met them together. I have absolutely no friends that are just my friends. So, when he decides to have a guy's night out with his friends or whatever.. I'm stuck at home.
AsylumSecret #3: 1:You still breathe and your heart still beats. But when you left, you died, and i buried your memories long ago. Only now your memory walks about my own house and lives in my own bedroom reminding me of you every waking moment...I only fear that ill end up leaving and "kiling" him too.
2:I know i need help, but im too scared to get it. fear of what it would spoil, my already fragile family, the hard work i put into schooling, the charade ive been living
3: I let you go because I didnt love youwere good friends still, and im grateful for that youve found happiness with someone else and yet in the back of my head i know theres a part of me that wants you back
4:my biggest fear is being alone. yet im constantly pushing people away. I feel like i dont exist half the time and the times when i do im being degraded or blamed for something. I hate everyting about my life, yet fear changing anything about it...
5:I don't see myself happy in the future,i see a mental breakdown leading to the worst.
6: Im only genuinely happy around her... or when im drunk. She loved me, and i left it too late... i wish i could have said something sooner.
7: im actually looking forward to 5
8: I keep hallucinating shadows and flashes of light, my friends find it funny when i randomly scream, but i am guenuinly terrified... though ill always laugh it off.
9: I'll never take medication... i would rather get better myself than have someone quote a textbook at me then make me consume an anomynous powder/ liquid...at least i know whats happening isnt a side effect.
AsylumSecret #4: I manipulate people. Nothing too big. Just little things that mess with their minds.I hate the attention it gets me, but I can't seem to stop. The worst part is, the people I do it to are the ones I love the most in my life. What's wrong with me?
AsylumSecret #5: I'm afraid to change. I'm scared of what I'll become afterward. I've been this way, this depressed, this messed up for so long that I don't want to change. I don't want to be normal and lose an ounce of who I am, even if who I am constantly imagines my own death. The me that doesn't remember a time when I truly felt happy, the me that doesn't have any friends and feels no self worth. Sometimes I don't want to change, I'd much rather be dead.
AsylumSecret #6: Dearest AsylumSecrets,I have a lot that I would like to get off of my chest, so please bear with me. This is not going to be easy, as many of the things I am about to tell you I have been unable to tell even my counselor or best friend.- I feel like I lack a reason to live and that scares and depresses me- I fear intimacy. I've never even been kissed, and I'm terrified of even THAT. I've considered finding a somewhat random guy to have sex with, just to try to get over my fear, but I can't allow myself to do that. And because of this fear of intimacy, I only let myself feel attracted people who are "safe" and would never return my feelings, like someone much older than me or someone in a position of authority. It hurts...because sometimes those feelings are still real.- I crave affection, attention, and acceptance from males...especially from teachers and professors.- Some days I think I truly hate my father...other days, I don't.- I get really off-the-wall paranoid thoughts from time to time. Sometimes I think that someone is watching me...even in my room. Some days I just get this awful feeling that I'm going to die that day. When those feelings get bad enough, I write notes to everyone...just in case. There are still a couple of them hidden in my room.- I think truly terrible thoughts sometimes...they just pop into my head before I can stop them. Even though I can't control them, I feel so guilty for having them. And I never really mean them. I don't know why I think these, other than to drive myself insane. (It works.)- I hate having morals. I hate that I feel guilty for every damn thing I do. Sometimes I just want to do something violent or rob a bank or SOMETHING...- I don't know what my sexuality really is. I've questioned myself and felt so many different things that I just don't know anymore. And I'm afraid that not being heterosexual would affect my future career (because it has for other people before -- especially where I'm from) and I hate that I feel this way. I hate that it matters.- I feel like I'm losing my passion for the subject I have loved dearly for years. It kills me. I think it's fear that's causing this. Fear of failure. If I lose that passion and choose something easier, at least I didn't fail, right? At least I didn't flunk out...at least I can claim that I lost interest....
Until next time...
AsylumSecret #7: I am not only contemplating running away, as I am also contemplation suicide, burning my fucking house to the ground, or maybe going to a convent even though I'm not religious at all. I feel I'm a prisoner in my own "home" (I can't call it a home, not my home, no). I have no where to go. I can't go live with any family without leaving behind my boyfriend, who's basically the only thing I have left, but even that is fading away from my mind because I'm too busy thinking about how I might take my own life. And if he fade away from my mind, it is over for me. I shake as I write this, but I'm that desperate. I'm even considering begging for money in the internet and where ever I can, and I'm not even poor. Or my family isn't, but I can't be around then anymore, not after so many years of the same fucking abuse. Not to mention the abuse I suffered by the hands of 3 different people, who molested me when I was 7, 11, and 12 years old. One older boy, one older man, and one older woman. And also my fucking asshole of an ex-boyfriend who still plagues my mind after 3 or 4 years. I was fucking 13, he was 18! And he knows what he did to me, or what he almost did to me. And he knows how he made me feel, and for what reasons. But since this is anonymous anyway. He tried to force me to have sex, something I felt I wasn't really for, I was too young and I hadn't gotten over what had happened to me. I still haven't and I'll never will. How upon telling me what people had done to be he replied "at least you weren't raped". I truly feel sad for other people's problems, those who know me know I care, sometimes too much, but my problems are my problems! And then, when I had enough of his non-supporting and abusive nature and I tried to leave him, he told me he would die. And I thought maybe he will change, everyone deserves a second chance. Guess what? Big mistake. When I finally left him for good, he stalked me and my friends, trying to win me back with his shit poetry (guess what, Em was right). And this plan of his failed, he told all my friend that I was crazy and that I should be locked up, and that I'd rather fuck a dog than fucking him. All the while, I almost stopped eating because I was really depressed (at 14/15 years old), and my mom sent me to the doctor, who prescribed me sleeping pills and a free (or not) trip to the pedopsychologist from his office. She was pregnant and asked me to fill out a form, which basically asked some questions resembling and IQ test and a personality assessment of sorts. Then she told my mom how special and intelligent and sensible I was, and how she should be so proud. On my SECOND appointment with her, which was one or two months after the first one, she had already have the baby, and, without sitting down, asked me only one question: "Do you think I'm fat?!". She almost looked angry. Now come on. I'm a skinny girl, I always have been, and yes I was very bellow my ideal weight because I couldn't eat. I have trouble telling who's fat or not. I'd say an obese is fat and a 500kg man is obese, if you know what I mean. I told her "no", I wasn't trying to be nice, I was honest. She wasn't fat. She looked lovely. Then she flips and shouts at me: "Your vision is blurred, you need to eat, you are like so many girls I've seen here, (you fucking anorexic bitch who might husband would probably choose over me), I'm going to lock you up far away from your home and everyone and everything you love, force-feed you if I need, AND YOU WILL DIE." Not "or". She said "WILL". I was crying by then, and I didn't defend myself. I'm not stupid, I know that if I was anorexic I would deny it on the spot, just like I would, would she'd asked me if I was suicidal. I know I would have to be examined by different doctors before she could send me to some mental hospital. Those different doctors, on a state hospital, some couldn't care less, and my therapist here, her contract was expiring the following month. Still I was weighted, my boned where measured, my teeth were seen more than 7 times by 4 different doctors, and my period and such other lady bits were investigated upon. The real problem was left untreated, and get this, the irony, like Em, this only made me feel more suicidal. But I was finally classified as NOT anorexic, just sad. Because I didn't talk about my problem, would you? I haven't been able to be completely honest to any of my 4 following shrinks. Oh and it wasn't really easy at home either. My father was pressuring me to choose medicine or something, or NOT to choose arts, which I did!And the cherry on top of the cake? Having to hear from my so called friends how I'm making all this up so I can look like EA. WTF! Seriously, you could have just stabbed me on the back. I'm sorry, I'm ranting. And this was too much. But I resent these people. And I'm falling apart
AsylumSecret #8: I hate my best friend, And I'm still in love with my ex-girlfriend...
AsylumSecret #9: After years of abuse by my mom's numerous boyfriends, and eventual rape by my step-dad I attempted suicide (I was only 12 - cut to the wrists). The only reason it didn't work is I feared my little sisters growing up through the same things without anyone to believe in and run to. Thankfully, my stepsister was home and able to save me. My little sisters are the only thing that keeps me going day to day, and I fear my life won't be worth living when they're finally out of my mom's house.
AsylumSecret #10: I started cutting when I was 10 years old, but I do not like the attention that comes with the scars...yet I still cut on my arms. My mom found out when I was a sophomore in high school, and flipped out telling me I was not her daughter and did not talk to me for a month. She even blamed my best friend. Ever since then I wear hoodies almost all the time because I'm afraid people wouldn't love me if they found out. The sad thing is, if I run out of room on the upper part of my arms, and go too close to my wrists I freak out afraid I'm going to cut too deep... This does not stop me from cutting there, but it does cause me to stress and cut at my right ankle until my wrist stops bleeding. I cannot sleep with a fresh cut because I'm afraid I will die in my sleep, and that is the opposite of the reason I'm cutting in the first place. I need a reminder that I am alive. Ha, and I'm almost 21. I'm supposed to be an adult, right?
AsylumSecret #11: Every night I go to bed, and offer up prayers to Goddess' whom I gave up believing in so long ago. I always pray that she will one day look at me long enough to see past the broken bits, long enough to delve under the fake smile, long enough to realise how desperately I clutch at sanity. I always pray that one day she will see me, walk up to me, and just hold me without wanting to say a word.I've started offering up a small amount of my blood mixed with wine every night. It's making me feel like crap; But if the only way to be connected to her is to be miserable, then I will take the misery with a spoonful of insanity.
AsylumSecret #12: Mental illness runs in my family. My mother goes to a therapist but has no illness. I've asked my parents multiple times to see a psychoanalyst to see what the fuck is wrong with me and they refuse. Even though they know that I've attempted suicide multiple times before.
My brother tried to rape me while I was asleep when we were twelve. He doesn't know I know.
I think I have bi-polar disorder.
I shove so much stuff under my bed so that I can guarantee that nothing else can fit under it because I'm afraid someone will hide under there and kill me.
I look around the room every few seconds, even when I'm completely alone, because I'm afraid someone is there, watching me.
I imagine killing people I both love and hate, and killing myself multiple times during the day, especially if I'm next to something harmful like a skillet or a knife.
I'm attracted to both men and women but I don't want to have a relationship with a woman. I want a man to hold me when things get rough, but I want to have at least one sexual experience with another woman.
I cry for no reason at all sometimes.
I've had both manic and depressive moods since I was three years old.
From the time I was nine to the time I was twelve, I was in a deep depression. My parents say that I'm lying. I'm not.
My mother has a bachelors in Sociology. She tries to be my psychologist and uses psychobabble on me every chance she gets, even when nothing is wrong, she pushes me. Even when something is wrong, I don't say anything because I don't want to talk to her. I'd rather talk to a complete stranger that her.
PICTURES!!! <3
Monday, 4 January 2010
AsylumSecrets Entry #3!
P.O. Box 47 West Sacramento, CA 95605-0047
I really strongly urge you to read the Intro (http://asylumsecrets.blogspot.com/2009/12/asylumsecrets-introduction.html) if you haven't!!! (http://www.forum.emilieautumn.com/viewtopic.php?f=155&t=22739)
I must say this now, shoot me for sounding like an irritating broken record, but OH MY GOD!!! You guys are sooo damn sweet with all the support! I mean even fLee likes the blog :) That, my muffin friends, is awesome! My mom is even amazed by how many people are getting into this <3
I must say this now, shoot me for sounding like an irritating broken record, but OH MY GOD!!! You guys are sooo damn sweet with all the support! I mean even fLee likes the blog :) That, my muffin friends, is awesome! My mom is even amazed by how many people are getting into this <3
TEXT PORTION OF THE BLOG <3
AsylumSecret #1: "I don't have anything too secretive but I wanted to send something in :) So here goes...
Embarrassing bit of personal history-my dad's a pastor at a Pentecostal church and all of my immediate family is Christian. That's not to say they're perfect, we're all extremely fucked up in our own ways and both sides of the family have histories of serious mental illness not to mention some other...things. I'm made to attend church every Sunday, any religious event there is, was forced, and I mean that seriously, to be baptized. I don't mind religions, I think some are slightly interesting, but I believe that it should be your decision to follow a certain religion. (Gloomy Sunday's the last song I listen to before going inside that building)
Back to the point though, well, I'm a lesbian. I thought I was totally straight until I started going to this school and after about the fifth girl asked me out I started questioning my sexual orientation. In the end I guess I should have known it all along, and I feel like a bitch cause I thought the first girl that asked me out was kidding and I totally blew her off.
My girlfriend whom I've been dating for a few months now knows my family and they know her as my friend. I have this thing where I get too attached to people and I love them indefinitely and so I still love my family very dearly and I hate lying to them about something as big as this but I could never really be true to them until I was absolutely in charge of my own life and they couldn't take anything away from me, namely my girlfriend and my music.
On a side note, my mother was able to attend the second Emilie Autumn concert along with my girlfriend and I and she wants me to quit listening to her music because I'm going to "follow in their footsteps" and...be gay. Which is absolutely hilarious for many, MANY reasons mostly irony but still sucks terribly. I'm a very paranoid person though and I'm constantly deleting texts and lying a hell of a lot. My mother and I are very close but I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this facade up and running so if I disappear from any forums or Twitter for an extended amount of time you'll know what's happened.
AsylumSecret #1: "I don't have anything too secretive but I wanted to send something in :) So here goes...
Embarrassing bit of personal history-my dad's a pastor at a Pentecostal church and all of my immediate family is Christian. That's not to say they're perfect, we're all extremely fucked up in our own ways and both sides of the family have histories of serious mental illness not to mention some other...things. I'm made to attend church every Sunday, any religious event there is, was forced, and I mean that seriously, to be baptized. I don't mind religions, I think some are slightly interesting, but I believe that it should be your decision to follow a certain religion. (Gloomy Sunday's the last song I listen to before going inside that building)
Back to the point though, well, I'm a lesbian. I thought I was totally straight until I started going to this school and after about the fifth girl asked me out I started questioning my sexual orientation. In the end I guess I should have known it all along, and I feel like a bitch cause I thought the first girl that asked me out was kidding and I totally blew her off.
My girlfriend whom I've been dating for a few months now knows my family and they know her as my friend. I have this thing where I get too attached to people and I love them indefinitely and so I still love my family very dearly and I hate lying to them about something as big as this but I could never really be true to them until I was absolutely in charge of my own life and they couldn't take anything away from me, namely my girlfriend and my music.
On a side note, my mother was able to attend the second Emilie Autumn concert along with my girlfriend and I and she wants me to quit listening to her music because I'm going to "follow in their footsteps" and...be gay. Which is absolutely hilarious for many, MANY reasons mostly irony but still sucks terribly. I'm a very paranoid person though and I'm constantly deleting texts and lying a hell of a lot. My mother and I are very close but I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this facade up and running so if I disappear from any forums or Twitter for an extended amount of time you'll know what's happened.
*That was WAAAAY too fucking long so feel free to shorten it up as much as you'd like :) I probably could have cut it up into little bits and sent some in every month for the next five years XD*"
AsylumSecret #2: "Whenever my life gets too 'normal' I start crying. I don't know why I do that but maybe they are right and I am insane.
I'm scared of bananas.
I like hugs but I am also very scared to be huged. I think people willl squeeze me until I die.
that's enough of me or else you will find out who I am ;) oh yes, I am also very paranoid...love and muffins
anonymous."
AsylumSecret #3: "This is super hard - but it's really helped me to read everyone else's secrets so it's time to share my own.
--
I'd like to have children, but I'm afraid that I will hurt them in the ways that I was hurt as a child. That fear has led me to tell everyone that I will never have children, and to stay away from people I care about who have small children.
--
When I was 8 years old, I was sexually assaulted by a boy in my neighborhood. I heard from someone later that his father abused him. Right now, I only remember once that he hurt me, but I have a terrible feeling inside that it happened more than once, and that I was assaulted by someone else too. My greatest fear is that the other person who assaulted me was my grandfather."
AsylumSecret #4: "I have feelings for you...even though you are taken. I wish I could say I didn't want to have these feelings, but to be honest, I like having feelings for you.
I still think about my first love...though he took all that was sane in me.
I love the smell of my friends blood.
I wish I could have Flo's upper body.
I wish I could fly sometimes...
My first crush was a family member..I was 3.
I am so desprete to have sex, I almost went out in the street.
I think about her all the time...
With love,
The author of these secrets"
AsylumSecret #5: "Everyday I wake up and try to live my life like there isn't a gaping hole in my chest.Everyday, that hole gets a little bigger.I'm afraid it might consume me one day, til there's nothing left of me."
AsylumSecret #6: "I am tired of having to explain that I am spiritual but not religious, (leaning toward pagan) especially since my family is super religious and I get holy hell for saying I don't want to go to church because it doesn't feel right...."
AsylumSecret #2: "Whenever my life gets too 'normal' I start crying. I don't know why I do that but maybe they are right and I am insane.
I'm scared of bananas.
I like hugs but I am also very scared to be huged. I think people willl squeeze me until I die.
that's enough of me or else you will find out who I am ;) oh yes, I am also very paranoid...love and muffins
anonymous."
AsylumSecret #3: "This is super hard - but it's really helped me to read everyone else's secrets so it's time to share my own.
--
I'd like to have children, but I'm afraid that I will hurt them in the ways that I was hurt as a child. That fear has led me to tell everyone that I will never have children, and to stay away from people I care about who have small children.
--
When I was 8 years old, I was sexually assaulted by a boy in my neighborhood. I heard from someone later that his father abused him. Right now, I only remember once that he hurt me, but I have a terrible feeling inside that it happened more than once, and that I was assaulted by someone else too. My greatest fear is that the other person who assaulted me was my grandfather."
AsylumSecret #4: "I have feelings for you...even though you are taken. I wish I could say I didn't want to have these feelings, but to be honest, I like having feelings for you.
I still think about my first love...though he took all that was sane in me.
I love the smell of my friends blood.
I wish I could have Flo's upper body.
I wish I could fly sometimes...
My first crush was a family member..I was 3.
I am so desprete to have sex, I almost went out in the street.
I think about her all the time...
With love,
The author of these secrets"
AsylumSecret #5: "Everyday I wake up and try to live my life like there isn't a gaping hole in my chest.Everyday, that hole gets a little bigger.I'm afraid it might consume me one day, til there's nothing left of me."
AsylumSecret #6: "I am tired of having to explain that I am spiritual but not religious, (leaning toward pagan) especially since my family is super religious and I get holy hell for saying I don't want to go to church because it doesn't feel right...."
AsylumSecret #7: "I had an abortion a little over a month ago, and I feel absolutely nothing. Not the numb kind of grief, just nothing, like it never happened. I think about it, and I just shrug and think "yeah, I did what I had to do." I don't feel any remorse, and I wonder if I'm a bad person for not feeling anything."
AsylumSecret #8: "I was listening to "God Help Me" while I was stalked/ jumped in December. I've never felt so close to Emilie before."
AsylumSecret #9: "Every night when I have to go to sleep, I feel terrified. I don't know why, but it's this feeling of pure fear for something I do not know. This is the reason why I have sleeping problems and a slight isomnia. My parents know about this, but do not seem to tackle the main problem. I feel so childish and stupid because of this problem."
AsylumSecret #10: "I'm dating this wonderful girl who deserves so much happiness. She caress for others to the point of feeling sick, she stands up for what she believes in and she's incredibly patient. To top it all off, she's beautiful, yet I don't think I can ever fall in love with her. Granted, we've only been dating for two months, but I've never gotten butterflies, I never think about her much when she's gone. And yet, the reason I still go on dating her is because she is convenient. She's gorgeous, hard working, passionate and I feel 100% comfortable around her. She supports me, provides for me, and she'll never hurt me. I've been hurt by exes in ways no human should ever hurt another, and people in general years before I hit puberty. I'll always need her so much more than I love her. In all honesty, I don't even know if it's possible for me to love someone without being beaten."
PICTURE PORTION OF THE BLOG <3
(The part in pink that you can barely see says "When you left"<3)>
(I fought with this picture forEVER, all you need to do is click it though, I'm sorry it looks so ugly and stretched out! Please click to view!)
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